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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

Re: What is Celibacy? 2 years 1 month ago #441

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Survivor - Texas-Style - Milt Oglesby.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do a season series entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.

From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John Kerry, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2008 and I'm here to confiscate your gun"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

See my pink Volvo and personal driver below.

George Dill

www.cabinnaise.com/vpage/cole.jpg
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The Anniversary 2 years 1 month ago #451

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds or less, AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!"

Friday morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Give this student an A 2 years 1 month ago #452

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Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Re: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please. 2 years 1 month ago #454

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A very sharp-looking young blonde lady busted my checkout line at the local slop-n-grow – “Somebody loan me a coat hanger ‘cause I locked the keys in my 750il”. She refused all but the first of 12 hangers and also the 13 guys with offers to help. With my double-bagged Ben-n-Jerry’s shielded from the Texas sun I passed the bimmer enroute to my Urabus. The lady was stabbing the hanger through the door seal and the car alarm was so loud I could barely hear her blonde friend inside – “Hurry up, it’s hot in here!”

George Dill
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She left a note on the fridge... 2 years 2 weeks ago #467

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"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

So, I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
I have no idea what she was talking about... the fridge works fine.

Women, who can understand them?
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Frozen windows 1 year 11 months ago #496

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water on it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Thanks a lot, Sparky - computer completely screwed up now."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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