Welcome, Guest
Username: Password: Remember me

TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

Famous (and unfortunately accurate) Quotes 2 years 2 weeks ago #512

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

Wrong gear? 2 years 1 week ago #532

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
Carolyn, a well-to-do blonde, bought a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

She has no problem driving the car during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all.

After being unsuccessful at driving the car at night for over a week, she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a technician to examine the situation.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

With an angry response, the blonde replies:
"You idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night!"
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 2 years 1 week ago by tailfin.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

Uh Oh... 1 year 11 months ago #571

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

Never upset a nurse. 1 year 10 months ago #583

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
A hot shot attorney had to spend a few of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his own staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he consented, rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a long pause, the doctor confessed, "Well, not with a Daffodil."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

PSA: Drinking and Driving 1 year 10 months ago #593

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
I want to wish you all a happy and most importantly safe Christmas season and I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the occasional social session - especially during the Holidays. A couple of nights ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a cab home. And wouldn't you just know it - on the way home I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident - which was a real surprise because I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Click Here.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 1 year 10 months ago by tailfin.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

What's with all the blonde jokes? 1 year 9 months ago #604

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."


A blonde spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope
"DO NOT BEND."
He spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No," he shouts, "I'm her husband!"


A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop pulls her
over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop
says "That's your tree-shaped air freshener swinging from the rear
view mirror!"


A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why
don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you
put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.


A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging
by his feet. "What the heck you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "and I couldn't breathe."


An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in
the boat, silly."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.
Time to create page: 0.263 seconds

We have 50 guests and no members online

You are here: Home Forum General Discussion I Need A Laugh Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.