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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

Boudreaux 1 year 7 months ago #690

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Boudreaux:, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you have the normal GI insurance an' you goes to Afghanistan and ya gets killed, da govment' pays your benefishery $20,000.

If you takes out da supplamental insurance, which cost you only thirty dollars a month, then the government gots to pay your benefishery $400,000!

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you think they gonna send to Afghanistan first?
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Boudreaux 1 year 1 month ago #928

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From Swedespeed.
George Dill
---

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust
cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci
shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and
asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves
you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Blackberry that the
image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows...
...Now give me back my dog."
---
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Joke Thread - all G-Rated please. 1 year 1 month ago #940

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A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now!"
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Joke Thread - all G-Rated please. 1 year 4 weeks ago #944

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Once again, early this morning, I got kicked out of McDonald's for using the restroom - I was in the drive-thru.

George Dill
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It's going to snow... 1 year 3 weeks ago #947

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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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My last visit to Starbucks 1 year 2 weeks ago #961

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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud, so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and suddenly noticed that everyone was staring at me.

It was only then that I remembered I was listening to the music on my I-pod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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