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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

Winter Blonde 2 years 5 months ago #332

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As a trucker stops for a red light in Portland, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Maine , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 2 years 5 months ago by tailfin.
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Blonde in a Blizzard 2 years 5 months ago #333

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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered
how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and
thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if
she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and
follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow
went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was
feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the
blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when
the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and
signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know
if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that
she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when
caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted,
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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The Quickest Way to Die 2 years 4 months ago #346

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Was in a pub last night and saw two large girls
by the bar. They both had strange accents so I
said "Hello Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed "Its WALES you idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said
"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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The Blonde Pilot 2 years 4 months ago #372

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This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
pilot.jpg

Instantly, she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem."

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me; Our Father, who art in Heaven..."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 2 years 4 months ago by tailfin.
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Ethical dilemma 2 years 4 months ago #374

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You're playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull your cheating opponent’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Re: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please. 2 years 3 months ago #379

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The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as the paper disappeared in the machine, "I just need one copy."

The lesson here? Never, never, never assume that your boss knows what they are doing!
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