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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

Joke Thread - all G-Rated please. 3 years 2 weeks ago #65

  • gdill3
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From my email...

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux.
“Send da lawn away to be mowed."

George Dill
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Now you are a walleye 3 years 1 week ago #81

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Lars, a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his grill and cook a venison steak. Now all of Lars' neighbors were Catholic. Since it was Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to the priest. The priest came to visit Lars and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Lars' neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As he rushed into Lars' yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Lars, holding a small bottle of water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You were born a deer and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Re: Now you are a walleye 3 years 1 week ago #82

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What do you get when you cross a zebra with a donkey?

Correct.

What do you get when you cross an alley with a pair of tennis shoes?

George Dill
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Unfortunately, this isn't a joke... 3 years 1 week ago #87

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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that,
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course....

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Re: Unfortunately, this isn't a joke... 3 years 1 week ago #88

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Speaking of smart indians - notice that Tonto let the Lone Ranger ride up front...

Here's one from OSDBob on Swedespeed...
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha Momma...............

George Dill
Last Edit: 3 years 1 week ago by gdill3.
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BREAKING NEWS: 3 years 5 days ago #89

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President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".

The President also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters will conduct an investigation into the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party.

Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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