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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

Retirement Dinner 2 years 4 months ago #387

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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say few words while they waited for the tardy politician to arrive.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here." said the priest. I thought I had surely been assigned to a most terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had also stolen money from his aged and sickly parents, embezzled large sums of money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day Father O'Flaherty arrived." said the politician. " In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 2 years 4 months ago by tailfin.
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20th Anniversary 2 years 4 months ago #395

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his cocoa, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Re: 20th Anniversary 2 years 4 months ago #398

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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine and fluids from a bottleā€¦if that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

George Dill
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The Ventriloquist 2 years 3 months ago #413

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little twerp on your lap."

:woohoo:
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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The Lecture 2 years 2 months ago #426

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 2 years 2 months ago by tailfin.
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What is Celibacy? 2 years 2 months ago #440

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Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Darlene, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men.
"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Darlene's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
:(
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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