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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

My last visit to Starbucks 11 months 3 weeks ago #962

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In 1878 the Queen of England hosted a gala affair at her summer castle inviting the heads of major nations. The Queen of Hawaii insisted on being seated with the male monarchs stating that she and the English Queen were blood relatives. "How can that be?", asked the English Queen. "My grandfather ate your Captain Cook."

Chauncey M Depew in a speech to the Yale Old Timers circa 1882.

George Dill
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Pick me up 9 months 2 weeks ago #1073

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A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached down and picked
it up carefully and then placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 9 months 2 weeks ago by tailfin.
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College Football season 11 months 3 weeks ago #965

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I know many of you are looking forward to the college football season. Well, here's a little recap of last year:

Alabama beat Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach.

Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigned.

How do we get Alabama to play the White House?
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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A recent doctor visit 11 months 3 weeks ago #967

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I had an appointment with my doctor the other day and during the initial chit-chat I asked him what he thought of ObamaCare.

He replied, "Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: “We have to pass it to find out what’s in it”?"

"That's the definition of a stool sample".
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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A recent doctor visit 10 months 3 weeks ago #1034

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I went fishing one morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in his mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that darn snake, with two more frogs.

George Dill
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British Mortuary 10 months 2 weeks ago #1035

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Three dead bodies turn up at a British mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?", inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photograph taken."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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