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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

British Mortuary 7 months 2 weeks ago #1074

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Irishman comes roaring into a bar with a pistol and 8-shot clip, "Somebody has been sleeping with my wife and I want to know who it is right now!"

Tiny voice in the back, "You're gonna need more ammo."

George Dill
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Laws of Golf 7 months 4 days ago #1089

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LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come.

This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 7: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.

LAW 8: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13: If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 15: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 16: It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.

LAW 17: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 18: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 19: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 20: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 21: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 22: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 23: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Don't ask stupid questions 3 months 3 weeks ago #1259

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Yesterday I was at the local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an alligator?

So on an impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and it works so well because you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I wanted to try it again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time. I did lose 50 pounds the first time I tried this diet, but I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "Oh no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me".
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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A Really Bad Day 3 months 3 weeks ago #1260

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like
that for half of an hour.

Eventually, a big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took
the drink from the guy, and drank it all down. The poor man
starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fell
asleep, and I got into the office late. My boss was outraged and fired me.
When I left the building to go my car, I discovered it was stolen and the
police said that they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and
as soon as I got out, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards on the seat.
The cab driver just drove away."

"Then when I entered my house, I found my wife in bed with the
gardener. So I came to this bar and just when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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A Really Bad Day 3 months 3 weeks ago #1261

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From Swedespeed...

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha Momma...............


George Dill
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I'll sleep on it 3 months 2 weeks ago #1268

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Ever since I was a child I've had a fear that someone was under my bed at night. So, I went to a shrink and told him that "I've got problems. I'm afraid and I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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