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TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

British Mortuary 3 months 1 week ago #1074

  • gdill3
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Irishman comes roaring into a bar with a pistol and 8-shot clip, "Somebody has been sleeping with my wife and I want to know who it is right now!"

Tiny voice in the back, "You're gonna need more ammo."

George Dill
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Laws of Golf 3 months 22 hours ago #1089

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LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come.

This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 7: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.

LAW 8: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13: If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 15: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 16: It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.

LAW 17: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 18: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 19: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 20: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 21: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 22: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 23: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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