Welcome, Guest
Username: Password: Remember me

TOPIC: Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.

Depressed. 3 years 2 months ago #90

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, lost savings, Social Security, retirement funds, repossessed houses, etc.

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

Paraprosdokian 3 years 1 month ago #97

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
I had to look up “paraprosdokian.” Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.”

“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy!


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

16. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice!

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

20. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

22. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

25. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

26. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

27. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

Re: Paraprosdokian 3 years 1 month ago #122

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
I pulled into the parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

A Touching Golf Story 3 years 1 month ago #123

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What is taking you so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here.'
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

Ole' Blue 3 years 1 day ago #182

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money ..... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read..

So the kid shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, "so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a congressman.:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :lol:
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Last Edit: 3 years 1 day ago by tailfin.
You must register to gain posting privileges.

A Senator Went to Heaven 2 years 10 months ago #240

  • tailfin
  • tailfin's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Posts: 135
  • Thank you received: 4
  • Karma: 0
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”;

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, today, you voted.."
I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You must register to gain posting privileges.
Time to create page: 0.285 seconds

We have 250 guests and one member online

  • rogersvolvos
You are here: Home Forum General Discussion I Need A Laugh Joke Thread - all G-Rated please.